Fat Stacks quote from Breaking Bad by Jesse Pinkman

SEO agency guarantees me #1 ranking for “New York Consultant”

Angry telemarketer

I registered a domain 1 week ago.

Since then I’ve been bombarded with calls from every two-bit website designer offering to build the greatest website on the planet for $300.

I received such a call yesterday. The interruptions annoy me.

Normally I politely decline, but I was in the middle of some tedious work, so I thought I’d have some fun. After all, they intruded on my time without my invitation.

I expressed interest in what they had to offer.

I had my headset on so I could do my tedious work while on the phone.

This guy was a motormouth as soon as he thought I was interested. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I mean this guy was talking 200 words per minute.

I can’t figure out why telemarketers always use some horrible sounding VOIP service with a delay and call clarity that’s worse than a 1923 landline.

I strung him along, asking to see examples and pricing. I spoke with him for 15 minutes and then he abruptly transferred me to “The Closer”.

The Closer spoke much better English. I asked more questions. It just kept going and going.

I then inquired about SEO services. This really got her attention. SEO is a recurring cost so she was excited.

I asked her if her service could rank me #1 for “New York Consultant”.

I’m not in the consultant business.  I just pulled that keyword out of thin air knowing it’s probably super difficult.

I’m not kidding here. She said, “absolutely.” We’ll have you #1 for that term in 6 months.

I asked her if she would guarantee it.

She said she guaranteed it.

I asked if she would refund all my money if I weren’t #1 for “New York Consultant” in 6 months.

She said “no”.

I said then it’s not a guarantee.

She disagreed.

We argued about that for 5 minutes.

Finally, she said, “yes, we will refund your money if we don’t rank you #1 for that term in 6 months.”

I know better. There’s no way she’s refunding the money AND there’s no way this outfit is ranking me #1 for “New York Consultant”.

At this point, I had been on the phone with this outfit for 30 minutes.

I said, “well I’ll think about everything we discussed. Thanks for your time.”

That ticked her off.

She said you wasted my time.

I said, “now I’m definitely not hiring you.”

She launched into a tirade how time is money and that her time was so valuable and that I wasted it.

I said “you called me. I did not call you. If anyone wasted anyone’s time it was you calling me out of the blue interrupting my day and wasting my time.”

She blathered on about time wasted and hung up.

Isn’t that something?

A telemarketer calls me, I express interest but don’t buy anything and I’m the bad guy.

It reminds me of the Seinfeld telemarketer scene.

If you don’t like my approach above, this is brilliant whenever you get a call:

Speaking of people getting mad at me.

People get at me when trying to sell me (because I don’t buy) as well as perpetually unhappy email readers and website visitors.

Which I find interesting because I don’t force anyone to do anything.

I publish websites that are free to visit. If they aren’t up to someone’s expectations they tell me about it in a rude way. You know, the ALL CAPS SCREAMING contact message.

Thanks for that. I’ll be sure to do everything you want right away. I don’t think so.

The thing is I don’t force anyone to visit or come back. Yet, my free offering ruined their day. Go figure.

Some people will never be happy.

It’s rare for that to happen, but it happens.

This line of work is a picnic compared to practicing law.

Lawyers get yelled at by clients, judges and opposing lawyers. It’s rare a day goes by without someone mad at you.

My motto is “you can’t please all the people all the time.”

Take that to heart as a website publisher.

Take it further. You don’t want to try to please all the people all the time. When you try to please all the people all the time, you please nobody.

Your site must take a stance. It must have an angle and/or a voice. My best sites do.

If it’s a massive affiliate promotion site, then that’s what it is. Some people won’t like it.

Too bad, so sad.

That said, it never hurts to strive toward making your site better.

How?

  • Better topics
  • Better writing
  • Better media
  • Faster load time

Let’s discuss “better writing”.

I’m not an expert writer. I’m passable.

However, over the last year I discovered one way that dramatically improves my writing.

You probably know this already.

The secret: listen to music.

I’m not all that big into music. I seldom listen to it.

What I’ve noticed is that my mood impacts my writing a great deal.

When I’m stressed or rushed, I barf out boring, dry, fact-driven content.

When I’m relaxed I inject more creativity.

Music comes in to play because it can dramatically impact mood.

If you’re writing, put on some tunes that relax, inspire or motivate you.

Just like Michael Bolton in “Office Space”:

Play around with this.

Another tip.

Before you start writing, watch some funny videos on YouTube. This will relax you.

I love standup.

I watch a few of my favorite stand up bits, funny Seinfeld bits, Curb Your Enthusiasm bits or Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes.

After laughing for a few minutes, my writing has a lightness to it. Not so dry.

Give it a shot.

Play with your mood before and while writing.

I find it makes a difference.

Speaking of writing.

Maybe you don’t want to write and instead just want to watch YouTube videos all day.

That’s cool.

Hire this content agency (I use this content agency).

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